Monday, Monday

I cannot believe Monday has already passed! This morning we awoke to a wild thunderstorm (foreshadowing for the big Thunder win tonight!!!), and left the dorms at 6:45 for our interviews. After a very hard evening, I was in shock, disbelief, and then a flood of tears as I learned of the incredibly tragic passing of a sorority sister. We have been reminded of how precious life is and how quickly we can lose those who have touched our own. I was appalled to reach my dorm and find a voicemail from a newspaper inquiring about information of her death – the last contact I expected and the one I did not return out of respect. It is so difficult to wrap my head around the loss, and my thoughts and prayers are with Casey’s family during this nightmare. It is now probably understandable as to why I did not blog last night and I encourage you to remember her family in prayer as well.

Later this morning I had my interview and then it was off to the Kiwanis luncheon. I feel so humbled to have received 2nd place in the Kiwanis Community Service Award!!! My platform means the world to me and I am very honored to receive the $500 scholarship. Thank you Kiwanians, for ALL you do! No one could have thanked our beloved Kiwanis Club better than Miss America 2007, Lauren Nelson did today. She is such an inspirational speaker and we are fortunate to have her with us this week.

We were able to preview a bit of the show – including guest performers tonight! The amount of talent in our former Miss Oklahomas is unbelievable. Kent has, once again, outdone himself. I am looking very forward to our first preliminary tomorrow, though I cannot believe it is here! Thanky ou for all your support and kind words. I have been blessed with a great red coat hostess, new friends, a scholarship and so much more that my week has already been a success.

Girl Scouts of Jenks

With three troop presentations in one week again, I felt like I really was living the life of Miss Oklahoma! I met a Jenks Intermediate Middle School troop on Thursday, April 19th. Bless them for welcoming me post-gym work out, and being so receptive to my program!

The girls had many stories of experiencing relational aggression personally, and what their school does to stop bullying as well. One thing I have heard from a few students is the idea of a “bullying box.” Some schools create a box with slips of paper to identify who was exhibiting bullying behavior and the person who was reporting the incident. Why couldn’t it be anonymous? Because sometimes anonymity provides the opportunity to intentionally “tattle” as opposed to “telling,” which is necessary when someone is being hurt physically or emotionally by another.

A few felt the bullying box was not effective, while others thought it worked as well as it could. Many schools do not take relational aggression seriously, which is why we hear about anorexia, drug and alcohol abuse, and teen suicides. I am glad to hear Jenks is taking a stand against bullying, but know that this troop in particular is armed with the knowledge and backbone to stand up for themselves and others when bullying arises.

A few of the fantastic troop members!

One troop member shared a story which I could completely relate to. She was at school the other day when two friends began whispering. Asking what they were talking about, they said “nothing – it’s a secret.” She began to wonder why it could not be shared with her, until she realized – it might be a secret about her. I cannot count the number of times this happened in middle school. Relational aggression right into the open, feeling like a knife in your heart as you deflate immediately.

Another troop member asked me what my biggest mistake was as a target of bullying. As I dwelled on it, I realized that my greatest regret was not telling someone what was happening. With bullying as such a constant in the media now, life is different. Ten and fifteen years ago, bullying was nothing more than a physical offense which left a real bruise. Every day, I got in the car and my mom asked me how my day went – “fine,” I responded. Never would I provide more information, because the girls who were leaving me out, making fun of me, and coming up with names to call me were the ones I had grown up with my whole life – whose parents my parents were friends with. Surely, I thought, this would go away, but keeping it inside was not the answer.

I was so impressed with the quality of thought put into our conversation and it really made me dig deep – back to the days when every day was a struggle and I feared every social aspect of live, including school. Thank you to the Jenks Girl Scouts for inviting me and bringing forth such a thought provoking conversation!

The Psychodrama of Recess

I recently stumbled upon an article which I initially read from a teacher’s standpoint, and ended up thinking about it from my own experiences. Posted by Slate Magazine, the author hit very close to home with her reference to “friend break-ups” and what they can do to a child (or even an adult). For years, I have tried to find a way to put into words how it felt and why it happened. The article made me feel so connected. While it is a great read, it does not provide a solution – but a peak into relational aggression at the youngest of ages.

The Psychodrama of Recess

How do I stop myself from meddling in my daughter’s schoolyard problems?

By Amy Sohn|Posted Monday, March 5, 2012, at 6:37 AM ET

Jaime Pressly, Katie Finneran, Kristi Lauren, and Aisha Dee in I Hate My Teenage DaughterStill from Fox.

At a tea date with Diana, a neighborhood acquaintance, I asked what was new. “My daughter’s best friend broke up with her,” she said. She had a teenage daughter I’d never met. “I’ve been spending a lot of time dealing with that.”

“That’s awful,” I said.

“It sucked away a year of our lives,” she said, the steam from her tea curling around her face. “We’re just now coming out from under it. We were good friends with the parents, too, so there were really two breakups.” Diana told me the details, the friend deciding one day that Leah wasn’t cool enough, Leah becoming despondent and almost leaving the school. Diana spoke about it with such earnestness it was as though she were talking about herself.

Her kid must have been too needy, I thought. That’s why it happened. She was weird all along and the friend realized it and that’s why she got dumped.

What are you doing? I answered back. Why are you blaming the victim? You’re as bad as that mean girl who dumped her.

As Diana told me the rest of the story I realized why I was so quick to judge Leah. I had been in her position myself, at 12, and even as an adult I still wasn’t over it. In sixth grade, I got dumped by a group of girls at my elite Brooklyn private school. They hadn’t always been mean—they been my friends since early childhood—but the summer before sixth grade they turned into a clique. For the first two months of school I hovered on the periphery of it. I was on the advisory board but not the executive.

Then one day they cornered me in front of the synagogue where we all went to Hebrew school and the messenger, of course, not the ringleader, said, “This is what I’m supposed to say: If you’re so good at math and only five of us are going trick-or-treating together, can you figure out which one of us isn’t going?” I had to sit through another hour of Judaica studies before I could race home and sob into my pillow.

When my mother determined that I had been injured emotionally and not physically, she let me be alone for a little while to cry. When I emerged from my bedroom, woozy and tear-stained, she asked what happened. I told her. “Why do you want to be friends with such horrible people?” she asked. I couldn’t answer her. This wasn’t logical, it was about my soul.

She told me to go to school the next day, ignore the horrible girls, and make new friends. Eventually I did, though it took months and not a day. The following year, in part due to the stress of the breakup, I left the school.

Twenty-five years later, this rejection remains the defining event of my young adulthood. It gave me a lifelong fear of rejection and a fear of being different that has come coupled with the sometimes-liberating idea that being different is better. It shaped most of my romantic relationships in that I always liked the mean, nasty guys the most. I could even argue that it turned me into a writer, moving me from participant to observer. But none of that means I am over it.

And yet, as I sat there listening to Diana, wholly invested in her daughter’s dilemma, I also found myself feeling skeptical of her as a mother. She seemed more wrapped up in her daughter’s problems than it seemed right for a mother to be. Had it taken a year for Leah to get over it—or for her to?

A television show on ABC which premiered in November, I Hate My Teenage Daughter, takes this kind of maternal overinvestment as its premise. On the show, two fortysomething moms who were losers in high school (Annie and Nikki, played by Jaime Pressley and Katie Finneran) have raised popular, beautiful girls. Those girls have now turned into meanies. The inmates are running the asylum: The daughters have the mothers wrapped around their fingers and all the moms can do is mug and weep. It’s a “be careful what you wish for” story.

IHMTD takes as a given that the mothers have bought into the very shallow values that made their own lives so miserable—popularity and social status. Though the humor can be too campy and overly cruel to its middle-aged heroines, as several critics have noted, the show has a clear moral message behind the jokes. To be a mother of a daughter is to be in a unique kind of pain. It’s an opportunity to relive girlhood, but maybe that’s not such a good thing when girlhood can be a period of such deep agony and insecurity. To become a mother of a teenage girl is to go right back to hell through a different entrance.

My own daughter, A., is only 6, and so far she has been heaven, not hell. Her wonder years have mostly been wonderful. She hasn’t experienced bullying (yet), but there have been social predicaments, a problem I hadn’t expected to encounter until much later. There have been children’s birthday parties to which she was not invited, and friendship threesomes that became twosomes. I haven’t handled any of it well. I’ve emailed teachers, texted moms, privately cried. My husband, who takes care of her most of the time, has mostly remained above the fray. He wanted a daughter and was exuberant to get one, and has enjoyed experiencing parenthood without any of the issues that I bring to the table.

Not long after I started watching IHMTD I picked up A. from school. She had just started first grade and though she knew several of her new classmates I was worried about her tendency to be shy. Remembering a nursery teacher’s injunction not to ask your child “How was school today?” I opted for a more specific question, one designed to elicit an answer longer than one word.

“What did you do at recess today?” I asked. I was curious about recess and had even emailed one of the recess coordinators to volunteer to be in the yard.

“I sat by the climbing wall and watched people play,” A. said.

I gulped but tried to remain cool. “Why didn’t you play with anyone?”

“I used to be Lucy’s friend but now she’s Eve’s friend.” She was factual and not emotional.

“Oh,” I said. “Maybe you can all be friends.” She looked at me like I was crazy.

A week later I asked her the same question. I got the same answer. Two hundred and fifty children were running around the yard entertaining themselves, but mine was gluing herself to a wall. Was she a loner, a loser? Why wasn’t she socializing? Should I have had a second child?

The next day I got an email from the recess coordinator, Maria, about the volunteer schedule. In my response I described A. to her. I said she had been playing alone and asked if Maria could keep an eye on her.

It turned out that Maria knew exactly who A. was and had been prodding her to play with different groups. She said some kids took a little while to get comfortable. The year before, she said, there had been a first-grader who sat for the entire recess period with her lunchbox in her lap so she could be first in her class line at the end. But now she was a happy, sociable second-grader.

Instead of reassuring me, this email terrified me further. A girl who sat there the entire year not playing? What if that turned out to be my kid? It could get even worse.

After that, I stopped asking A. who she played with. I decided that it was in her own hands now (and Maria’s), and the more I bugged her, the more self-conscious she would feel.

One day, about a month later A. said, “Mommy, ask me who I played with at recess today.”

“Who did you play with at recess today?” I asked, in a silly, sing-songy voice meant to convey that I wasn’t invested in the answer.

“I kicked a ball with some boys and then I went on the jungle gym with Ruby and Hank.”

“That’s wonderful!” I shouted. “I mean, that sounds fun.”

She had figured it out. It just took time. And she had done it without my interfering. Whatever social challenges she was going to face in the next 20 years, I wasn’t going to make them better by mixing them up with my own.

Now we have a new problem. She has developed a crush on a boy who sits at her table in class. He wears Celtics T-shirts and roars like a lion. Recently when I asked her what she did at recess, A. said, “Ollie chased me around and then he locked me to the gate with invisible handcuffs so I couldn’t move. And even after he ran away I stayed there pretending I was trapped. And you know what, Mommy? I liked it.” We were going to have to talk.

Brownie Troop #64

With each group I visit, I am always able to take something away. I learn about their view on relational aggression, their experiences, how it has changed them, how they feel, what impact they believe can be made…the list goes on and on! This particular troop, located in Owasso, gave me something incredibly thoughtful and special.

I met Troop #64 on Tuesday, March 13th – an exciting day for one of their troop members – Marina’s ninth birthday! Marina’s mom found my blog and invited me to speak with their troop. How amazing is that?! Little did I know what an amazing communication tool this blog would be when I began last year.

Troop #64

The troop of 2nd and 3rd graders were absolutely exuberant! Not only were they so intelligent, but insightful and reflective as I spoke with them. They told stories I could also relate to, particularly having a friend who did not invite you to their birthday party (though everyone else came back with loads of favors to school – further deepening the wound), because they could only invite eight girls and you were tenth on the list.

Having an inclusive personality, it still stings to think about the situation (which happened more than once). What is more unbelievable? Knowing that these girls are more than ten years younger than me, and the same scenarios are still playing out. Another troop member recalled being a bystander for a special needs student at school, and I could feel her bravery in standing up for a boy who did not possess the words to stop the aggressor himself. Remembering myself at her age, I knew I would not have had the courage for fear of becoming the victim. Proof that the Girl Scouts of the United States are instilling the most imperative of values in Oklahoma’s youth.

After I spoke to the girls, they gave me THE most amazing surprise! I was presented with a huge crate of books and puzzles for my classroom. Teaching in a  low-income area, I have no books outside of the ones my (fortunately very experienced!) co-teacher possesses. Eric Carle, Fancy Nancy, hard-back books, and wooden puzzles – like glitter to my teacher’s soul! I am so very grateful for their contribution and my students were SO excited to see new, bright, colorful books on our shelves this morning. THANK YOU Troop #64! It was such an amazing and kind gift.

We later celebrated Marina’s (she’s also an Oklahoma Star) birthday with cupcakes (I still have three months – plenty of time to celebrate with a sweet treat!), slap bracelets and green (yay!) necklaces. The girls asked me to autograph their glow-in-the-dark bracelets, slap bracelets, cups, you name it! That night, I was not the only role model in the room – but the small group of Owasso Brownies who portrayed selflessness and service to my students.

Thank you again, Troop #64!

Girl Scouts Troop #748

Sunday afternoon is my absolute favorite time of the week, and today I was fortunate to spend it with the Girl Scouts of Troop #748! The troop consists of girls between fourth and sixth grade, each attending a variety of school from Salk Elementary to Catoosa and Owasso. They are a great group and each shared their own experience with relational aggression. I enjoyed having such an intimate, small-group conversation with them – allowing us to dig more deeply into bullying.

While relational aggression covers a broad spectrum of possibilities, we were able to discuss name-calling, teacher and school responses, gossip, school uniforms, and how poverty can be a target of RA. Since I teach in an inner-city school, I often forget what a normal school with a range of financial situations looks and feels like. I need to remember this since my students could face similar obstacles in the future. Teach For America has helped train me to be the kind of teacher which will teach my kids out of low-income status and help put them onto a new life trajectory though – changing the cycle of poverty.

Troop #748 is planning to perform skits about bullying in April at Salk Elementary, and practiced their physical aggression skit with me today! I was really impressed by the thought and realistic approach they took to it, and was so honored when they asked for my help with a verbal aggression skit. We came up with several ideas, and I think each grade will be able to relate to the final script created.

This group has wonderful mothers who are prepared to help their children through any stage of bullying – whether it is as a target, bully or bystander. So often, we are unable to see our children’s faults and believe only the best. The women I met today are prepared to lead them in the right direction and teach them, rather than allow them to make the same mistakes throughout life.

Thank you so much, Troop #748! I cannot wait to see your skits and the impact you make throughout Tulsa!

Three Times the Fun – Troop #753, #1030 and #960

After a full day of teaching, a staff meeting, and a curriculum meeting I threw on a fresh blazer and pinned my crown into my hair. As I was racing out of the school to my car, another teacher stopped me to comment on how literally I must take the idea of “wearing multiple hats.”

She hit the nail on the head! I love the diversity of my days because there is never a dull moment. Maybe I have to keep a spare outfit in my car (I can’t even begin to explain the possibilities of what might happen to me during school), but this is the life of Miss Oklahoma and Miss America. There is no down time and you absolutely must be prepared for whatever might come your way!

Girl Scouts and Miss Green Country

Wednesday, January 25th held my second appearance of three in a mere seven days. I am overjoyed by the responses to It Has A Name: Relational Aggression, and the interest taken by each student group. Brownie Girl Scout troop #753 and Girl Scout troops #1030 and #960 were no exception! This group consisted of about 20 third, fourth and fifth grade girls – each at a point in their lives where relational aggression is starting to become more noticeable and confusing.

Each had brilliant thoughts about why relational aggression occurs and how a bully gets to that point. They loved our telephone game and giggled excitedly at the difference between the original sentence and the final words. Their concerns varied, and I received excellent questions about followers and gossip. Several had stories about being the target or bystander, and it never fails to hurt my heart when I hear about such wonderful young leaders being the point of a joke.

With every student group I speak to, I gain an even deeper understanding of my own experiences as well. There are so many occurrences they are brave enough to speak about, reminding me of my own childhood. It is with this that I have realized time, fashion, and technology have changed – but relational aggression has not.

These sweet angels decorated a chalk board in preparation for my visit (it was adorable!!!), and gave me a lovely card along with GIRL SCOUT COOKIES! The new Savannah Smiles are a delicious lemon cookie dipped in powdered sugar, and I would be lying to you if I said I didn’t have that box opened the minute I go to the car.

Thank you SO much, Troop #753, #1030 and #960! What a joy to speak with!

Girl Scouts Troop #003

On Monday, January 9th I met with Girl Scouts Troop #003 to share my platform – It Has A Name: Relational Aggression. The nine Union High School seniors were beyond fantastic – even though most preferred orange over crimson! It’s rare to find a group of this sort which has stuck together and survived the stigma (which we all agreed begins around 6th grade) that being a Girl Scout isn’t “cool” anymore.

Troop 003

From band to pom to basketball – multiple interests were represented. I had such a great time sharing my knowledge and empowering this group. They told of their own experiences with relational aggression, the changes in cyber-bullying over the course of the past 6 years, and how they intervene when they see relational aggression in action. With a graduating class of nearly 1,000 one can easily get lost in a sea of “redskins,” but this spirited group definitely stands out and can be the change for their classmates. Thank you, Troop #003 for the oh so very delicious, powdered sugar-coated Savannah Smiles cookies and inviting me to your meeting!

Day 5

Yes, I know it’s 1:30 am and yes, I am admittedly, pretty tired by now! I had to look back at my last post to actually remember what day this is! Sorry, but this will be short and sweet – Gown rehearsal this morning, rehearsal, lunch with Selby, a bit of relaxing at the dorms, gave an interview for the Shawnee News-Star, then dinner at McNellies (I want sweet potato fries almost as much as I want a cinnamon roll!!). Tonight my group competed in on-stage question and talent. My on-stage question was not my best. I actually got off track when Lauren mentioned that RA is more prevalent in girls (I couldn’t stop myself), and had to ask what the second part of the question was. The questions overall were fairly lengthy, but I would rather have answered the entire question(s) than not answered completely.

Evening gown went really well! My stars, Kaylin and Teegan, are two of the most precious girls ever. They are absolutely radiant in this picture! I love my gown and am so thankful to Kayne and his staff for the countless, last minute hours spent creating something which I love. Congratulations to Betty Thompson, swimsuit winner, and Sarah Klein, rookie and overall talent winner! Tonight I had a HUGE group of supporters and was excited to see each and every one of them! Tomorrow is swimsuit….so I need my rest! Here is a picture from gown, thanks to Amanda Barfield!

Newcastle Middle School

Today was a really fun day! I’ve been so fortunate to team up with Janet, who works with the Girl Scouts. We worked together to combine my program with one of hers and it was awesome! The 6th, 7th and 8th grade girls of Newcastle were one of the best crowds yet. I’m always a bit concerned when speaking to older students, especially since I’ve met some sassy 5th grade groups, but the girls were intrigued and could relate to me so easily. My bullying experience peaked in middle school, and I can still feel the pain of being in a middle school cafeteria.

During Janet’s portion, she asked the girls to name a time they were hurt and then everyone would fold up the paper heart which was provided. Girls raised their hands with instances where they were called horrible names, left out or rejected. It hit home with one raised her hand and said she was called “pimple face.” Many know that I have struggled with acne for years, have tried nearly every medication, face wash, and even went to an Iridologist once. Even in recent months, my poor skin has been the point of teasing – and years later it is just as hurtful as it was in middle school.

As I began, I told the 200 excited young girls about my experiences with bullying – from being the victim to becoming a bully and a bystander. Their reactions and responses to my questions were right on par! These girls are smart to say the least. I was most impressed by their positivity. Occasionally, I will get a few smart-alecky kids (often the ones who need my program the most), but I did not have one negative comment or mean look. I haven’t had many students who react in such a way, but I expected it from middle school girls. I was thrilled that they took my message and ways to stop bullying to heart.

After the presentations, I fielded a great number of questions about bullying, what I have learned, and how to handle relational aggression. Normally, students are most interested in the pageant or my “favorite things,” but these girls meant business! They also wanted me to autograph their hearts, bullying bracelets and notebooks. I also signed three shoes – not my sole request (couldn’t resist), but the first time I’ve added my “autograph” to a shoe! I was also given a poem about friendship and what it can do against bullying. This sweet gift has been one of the highlights of my platform experience and I am thrilled to share!

“Friends are there to heal the wound

to pull you out of saddened tunes

to brighten up your cloudy skies

to clear up fictitious lies.

Friends are there with open arms

to comfort you and block the harms

to keep your secrets hidden away

and entertain when you want to play.

Friends are there, smile or tear

Friends are there, happiness or fear

Friends are fun and friends are clever

and the ties that bind friends will last forever.”

By Casey Ball

I could not have had a better day in Newcastle! I sincerely hope that these girls will continue wearing their bracelets and remember what they learned during my visit. Being able to share my stories and knowledge to make a positive impact is exactly what God intended for me to do. One of my purposes in life is to be the mentor and friend children and teenagers can look to for guidance. I’m not sure if serving the state as Miss Oklahoma or nationwide as Miss America is in the greater plan for me, but I will absolutely never, ever stop working against relational aggression.

 

Lincoln Elementary

Last Friday I spoke to Lincoln Elementary’s 3rd, 4th and 5th graders! They were a fantastic bunch and absorbed everything I said. Though it was 9 am, the students were not only alert but interested!! I always love speaking with students who are the older trend setters in their schools. Often, they set the examples for younger students and I encourage them to model better behavior in order to create the safest social climate at school, home and in extracurricular activities. They loved their bracelets and enjoyed the gossip game we played even more! One of my new favorite things to take from schools is a list of memorable questions or quotes. Unfortunately, my memory card is being crazy and I cannot access the pictures taken on Friday. Hopefully my dad will have an answer for this when he gets home from work and I can upload them tonight!

• “How long does it take you to do your make up?”
• “How long does it take you to do your hair?”
• “If you absolutely had to change your name, what would you change it to?”
• “What is your favorite color?” “What is your favorite movie?”
• “Do you like Taylor Swift?” (Uh oh…I’m in trouble on this one!)
• “Are your bullies jealous of you now?” “Did your bullies ever apologize?” “What was the meanest thing you ever said about someone?”
• “Who do you think is going to win American Idol?” (Little did they know – even if I guessed, I know oh so little about singing!)
• “What is your talent? Will you tap dance for us?” (Met my screams and urging, I did a few wings!)
• “I know at Miss America you have to change clothes like super fast, so how fast can you change clothes?” (I may have to ask the Red Coats to time me this year!)
• “What is your favorite romance movie or book, you know, like Twilight?” (After proclaiming that I am, in fact ‘Team Edward’ the crowd went wiiiiiiiild!                                                                                                                                                      Lincoln’s students were awesome, and not only cared about anti-relational aggression efforts, but are already involved in a program to stop bullying in their schools! They have a program called Positive Leadership which consists of a few students, selected by each class for being consistently kind and caring towards others. After speaking to the groups, I was able to chat with these students about what they have learned prior to my visit and how they are preventing relational aggression at Lincoln. It’s always encouraging to see schools which know bullying is one of the greatest issues facing our students, and implement programs of this nature to protect their students!