Monday, Monday

I cannot believe Monday has already passed! This morning we awoke to a wild thunderstorm (foreshadowing for the big Thunder win tonight!!!), and left the dorms at 6:45 for our interviews. After a very hard evening, I was in shock, disbelief, and then a flood of tears as I learned of the incredibly tragic passing of a sorority sister. We have been reminded of how precious life is and how quickly we can lose those who have touched our own. I was appalled to reach my dorm and find a voicemail from a newspaper inquiring about information of her death – the last contact I expected and the one I did not return out of respect. It is so difficult to wrap my head around the loss, and my thoughts and prayers are with Casey’s family during this nightmare. It is now probably understandable as to why I did not blog last night and I encourage you to remember her family in prayer as well.

Later this morning I had my interview and then it was off to the Kiwanis luncheon. I feel so humbled to have received 2nd place in the Kiwanis Community Service Award!!! My platform means the world to me and I am very honored to receive the $500 scholarship. Thank you Kiwanians, for ALL you do! No one could have thanked our beloved Kiwanis Club better than Miss America 2007, Lauren Nelson did today. She is such an inspirational speaker and we are fortunate to have her with us this week.

We were able to preview a bit of the show – including guest performers tonight! The amount of talent in our former Miss Oklahomas is unbelievable. Kent has, once again, outdone himself. I am looking very forward to our first preliminary tomorrow, though I cannot believe it is here! Thanky ou for all your support and kind words. I have been blessed with a great red coat hostess, new friends, a scholarship and so much more that my week has already been a success.

It’s Only Just Begun

I am all moved in at the ORU dorms and ready for the week ahead! We began the morning with orientation and many, many hours of rehearsals. Wendy’s is so kind to donate a delicious lunch for the contestants and I always love seeing the owner’s daughter dressed up like Wendy! She’s a doll – really!

Though Kent has bronchitis, that certainly didn’t slow him down! We learned more dances than I can currently remember, but just be prepared for an amazing show. The atmosphere with the contestants has been very relaxed here and I see the Lord working through so many young women. It’s almost surreal to think that a week from tonight a new Miss Oklahoma will be crowned!

When we arrived to the dorms, I immediately checked out which red coat and contestants I would be driving with, and nearly squealed in excitement to be in ELIZABETH KINNEY’S mom’s car! Elizabeth is the first Miss Oklahoma I ever saw crowned and I fell in love with her on that stage. She is dynamite and I admire her more than words can express. Her mom, Melinda, is such a joy to be around – you’ve got to meet this woman!! I also found out she is from Shawnee and went to high school with my dad! what a small world. Lindsey Allen and I are in for a real treat with her!

After seeing our rooms (I cannot wait to post more pictures of my Come Rain or Come Shine themed room!), we ate and headed off to the Red Carpet premiere. I love this event because it is an opportunity to destress with family and friends before competition gets underway.

After walking the red carpet, we were corralled to a room and I was later told that when Rich came in, I needed to follow him. Thinking I needed to gather others and make room for the end of the alphabetical procession, I started herding… Someone told me to stop and I followed Rich, thinking we were just moving the miss contestants alphabetically.

As I was walking with Alex Eppler, Megan Johnson, Alicia Clifton, Brittany Bisel and Georgia Frazier I realized we were not in the right order. As I was about to pipe up, I realized the most exciting news possible – WE WERE COMMUNITY SERVICE FINALISTS!!!!!

I must have lit up like a Christmas tree and haven’t stopped glowing since! It is the highest honor to be considered for an award of this caliber and I feel blessed to be part of this group. Our interviews are in the morning and I cannot wait to share my passion with the Kiwanians.

Thank you to the Girl Scouts, school groups, and community leaders who have taken relational aggression seriously and have shared this journey with me! You are the reason I live to serve and I already feel so accomplished after the progress we have made together.

Have a wonderful evening and on to day two!!

A Green Day in PreK

You may or may not know, but I am a PreKindergarten teacher placed at a Headstart by Teach For America. I am truly lucky to have a site director who is supportive of the Miss Oklahoma organization and allowed me to take a bit of time from teaching and visit a few of the classrooms!

I altered my platform program to focus on character, goal setting and bullying. My green jeans were all the rage – and helped them remember my extremely long princess name of “Miss Green Country.” The three and four-year-olds were awesome and I was thrilled to chat with a few of my potential students for the upcoming year!

Quotes of the day

“Do you ride a unicorn to school?”

“Where are your high heels?”

“How could we be nice and helpful?” “You need to get a boy to kiss you!”

Powered Up!

The Girl Scouts have a fantastic anti-bullying program called “Powered Up,” and I was invited to work with several Tulsa and Muskogee troops during their week-long day camp. I have often been told that this curriculum is aligned perfectly with my platform presentation and I was amazed at the similarities! I spoke in the morning and later helped lead the initial Powered Up training.

The day-camp was held at the Girl Scouts of Eastern Oklahoma house, built right in the middle of town with several acres behind it. I was even able to witness a flag ceremony – such a neat experience for these third and fourth graders! The kitchen was painted with Girl Scout words, and Girl Scout curtains flocked the large room. It is reserved for official Girl Scout meetings and used for a number of things. I was honored to attend and work with Powered Up! Thanks to the Girl Scouts for a fantastic day and my great new Powered Up shirt!!

Girl Scouts of McAlester

Being Miss Green Country has invited so many opportunities to travel through the most beautiful parts of our state. Eastern Oklahoma is just gorgeous, particularly in the early morning when the roads are quiet and the sky is filled with the clearest shade of blue. I came home to Shawnee Friday, setting off to McAlester Saturday morning to meet with the Girl Scouts.

An hour and a half of John Mayer’s live album kept me company as I pulled up to Life Church in McAlester. What an amazing church! I was told they recently added a second phase because the town of 17,000 just kept joining. The room I spoke in was the “Club 56” for 5th and 6th grade students, and even had light effects!

The Girl Scouts were fantastic! They had a busy day planned after I left with a father-daughter dance, hence the adorable dress! Each had some experience with relational aggression and stories to share as well. One mother also told of a time when she felt RA at the hands of a child.

While hosting a birthday party, one of her son’s friends said he wish he had known what their house had looked like because he wouldn’t have come to his birthday party. Her son then told his mother that they needed to get a bigger, nicer house. How horribly devastating that there was absolutely nothing wrong with their home, yet this young child still, possibly unbeknownst to him, degraded and embarrassed a kind family who was trying to celebrate a big event.

Relational aggression doesn’t just hurt children when they are targeted, but their parents feel the pain in their hearts as well. When I hear of stories like hers, I feel so blessed to speak with troops and schools across the state. When I was growing up, the term “relational aggression” had yet to be coined, and I do not remember any special visitors who spoke about bullying. It is an incredible honor to touch so may lives in the way my title has allowed!

Thank you, McAlester Girl Scouts, for welcoming me and recognizing the power you have against relational aggression!

Girl Scouts of Jenks

With three troop presentations in one week again, I felt like I really was living the life of Miss Oklahoma! I met a Jenks Intermediate Middle School troop on Thursday, April 19th. Bless them for welcoming me post-gym work out, and being so receptive to my program!

The girls had many stories of experiencing relational aggression personally, and what their school does to stop bullying as well. One thing I have heard from a few students is the idea of a “bullying box.” Some schools create a box with slips of paper to identify who was exhibiting bullying behavior and the person who was reporting the incident. Why couldn’t it be anonymous? Because sometimes anonymity provides the opportunity to intentionally “tattle” as opposed to “telling,” which is necessary when someone is being hurt physically or emotionally by another.

A few felt the bullying box was not effective, while others thought it worked as well as it could. Many schools do not take relational aggression seriously, which is why we hear about anorexia, drug and alcohol abuse, and teen suicides. I am glad to hear Jenks is taking a stand against bullying, but know that this troop in particular is armed with the knowledge and backbone to stand up for themselves and others when bullying arises.

A few of the fantastic troop members!

One troop member shared a story which I could completely relate to. She was at school the other day when two friends began whispering. Asking what they were talking about, they said “nothing – it’s a secret.” She began to wonder why it could not be shared with her, until she realized – it might be a secret about her. I cannot count the number of times this happened in middle school. Relational aggression right into the open, feeling like a knife in your heart as you deflate immediately.

Another troop member asked me what my biggest mistake was as a target of bullying. As I dwelled on it, I realized that my greatest regret was not telling someone what was happening. With bullying as such a constant in the media now, life is different. Ten and fifteen years ago, bullying was nothing more than a physical offense which left a real bruise. Every day, I got in the car and my mom asked me how my day went – “fine,” I responded. Never would I provide more information, because the girls who were leaving me out, making fun of me, and coming up with names to call me were the ones I had grown up with my whole life – whose parents my parents were friends with. Surely, I thought, this would go away, but keeping it inside was not the answer.

I was so impressed with the quality of thought put into our conversation and it really made me dig deep – back to the days when every day was a struggle and I feared every social aspect of live, including school. Thank you to the Jenks Girl Scouts for inviting me and bringing forth such a thought provoking conversation!

Girl Scout Troop #649

Of all the amazing things which come from being Miss Green Country, sharing my platform is by far, my favorite! On April 16th I met with the Girl Scouts of Metro Christian – Troop #649. They are a group of fourth-grade girls who were following my presentation so perfectly – with thoughtful insight and a yearning for positive change.

I had a wonderful time visiting Metro Christian and enjoyed every question they had. From asking about my most shocking experience with bullying to how I keep my high heels on – we covered it all! Troop #649 is truly so fortunate to have great troop leaders who recognize the need for this type of program and maintain a close eye on their member’s relationships.

One member stayed to chat as the girls transitioned to craft activities and said she wanted to be just like me. My heart absolutely melted. It is always so special to meet someone who is struggling in many of the ways I have and who is searching for some sort of hope. I was so flattered by her honesty and really enjoyed talking about our experiences with relational aggression together.

This sweet troop also gifted two delicious boxes of Girl Scout cookies (those amazingly decadent Thin Mints and a box of peanut butter delight – Do-Si-Dos!) – which will be such a treat. Good thing Thin Mints are even better frozen! Several girls also said they will attend Miss O in June – how cool is that?! Thank you Troop #649 for a wonderful afternoon and such excitement about  working against relational aggression! I absolutely loved meeting each one of you!

The Princess of Room 34

In October, we had a mere 13 students, since our roster had not been filled. Now that our class sits at a full 20, I was excited to share Miss Green Country with the kids! We have created big goals for our lives (them and myself alike!), and I wanted to bring my passion back to the classroom.

My students know that I am a “princess” and that I want to become the “queen” of Oklahoma. Keep in mind, my kids are three-five and explaining the Miss Oklahoma system can often be tricky to an adult, let alone a Pre-K student! We had a great conversation about what it takes to become Miss Oklahoma – helping others, using kind words, working hard, and getting smart! Miss Oklahoma has to “grow her brain” too! Each of my kids tried on the crown and I cannot wait for them to watch me compete in June – it is our last week of school! While I am SO disappointed to miss their last days of Pre-K, I know they understand and will continue to strive for their dreams as well!

 

 

Girl Scouts of Muskogee

On Friday morning, I woke up sicker than I have been in quite some time. I even had to take the day off of school! After spending the entire day in bed, I wasn’t sure how I would make it to the Girl Scouts of Muskogee on Saturday morning – but I did know I would find a way to power through!

Saturday morning, I woke up feeling a bit better – but definitely not great. I was so weak from a lack of nutrients, that I had to ask a neighbor to help carry my bag down. Yikes. As I began the hour-long drive, I realized I had passed Muskogee and we were a bit beyond Ft. Gibson. A Girl Scout troop leader met me at a gas station, and I followed her about 12 miles down a winding road, filled with the greenest of trees. I wonder how Green Country got its name….

 

We eventually turned down a dirt road, which continued for a few more miles, and led us to the Girl Scout camp grounds. These girls take camping seriously!!! The camp grounds had several cabins and sat near a lake, surrounded by lush forest. I even saw deer roaming when I drove in! (Though, my home has a deer feeder in the front yard, so I suppose I come from somewhat of a rural area of Oklahoma!) The troops came from Muskogee, Tahlequah, and surrounding towns – just to hear me speak! The middle school students were a bit shy at first, but warmed up quickly by providing answers and asking incredibly thoughtful questions.

Speaking with these troops, we had an amazing conversation about the bully circle and what roles we have experienced, with examples. Towards the end of my presentation, many girls had questions and I encouraged other troop members to think back on our discussion and see if they could problem solve a few solutions or responses. It was amazing to see them work issues out on their own with the feedback I had given.

Gifts galore of sweet treats!

The troops were so kind to invite me to speak (they even created a flyer to advertise it!!!), and gave me the sweetest gift as I left! I now own a Girl Scouts of Eastern Oklahoma bag to travel with, and it was filled with Girl Scout cookies (yum!), another bag, notepads, pens, a 100 Years of Girl Scouts bracelet, and much, much more! Thank you, Girl Scouts of Muskogee and Eastern Oklahoma, for sharing a wonderful afternoon with me! It is a trip I will not soon forget!!

Swimsuit ready for Miss O!

*On the way back to Shawnee (a good three hours!), I saw a Jeep with a Chi Omega sticker (how funny – just like my friend Kristin‘s – who lives in Nashville!). Wow, it even has an Indiana license plate like Kristin’s! What are the odds?! As I drove past the Jeep, I realized…IT IS KRISTIN!

Kristin dances with Nashville ballet and we became the best of friends as sorority presidents at OU. We both took the next exit and I was SO SO SO excited to chat with her and give her a great big hug! I knew she was coming to Oklahoma and that we would not get a chance to see each other. What are the odds that she and I would be driving from Ft. Gibson and Nashville, at the exact same time, on I-40? Fated friends. Here we are:

The Psychodrama of Recess

I recently stumbled upon an article which I initially read from a teacher’s standpoint, and ended up thinking about it from my own experiences. Posted by Slate Magazine, the author hit very close to home with her reference to “friend break-ups” and what they can do to a child (or even an adult). For years, I have tried to find a way to put into words how it felt and why it happened. The article made me feel so connected. While it is a great read, it does not provide a solution – but a peak into relational aggression at the youngest of ages.

The Psychodrama of Recess

How do I stop myself from meddling in my daughter’s schoolyard problems?

By Amy Sohn|Posted Monday, March 5, 2012, at 6:37 AM ET

Jaime Pressly, Katie Finneran, Kristi Lauren, and Aisha Dee in I Hate My Teenage DaughterStill from Fox.

At a tea date with Diana, a neighborhood acquaintance, I asked what was new. “My daughter’s best friend broke up with her,” she said. She had a teenage daughter I’d never met. “I’ve been spending a lot of time dealing with that.”

“That’s awful,” I said.

“It sucked away a year of our lives,” she said, the steam from her tea curling around her face. “We’re just now coming out from under it. We were good friends with the parents, too, so there were really two breakups.” Diana told me the details, the friend deciding one day that Leah wasn’t cool enough, Leah becoming despondent and almost leaving the school. Diana spoke about it with such earnestness it was as though she were talking about herself.

Her kid must have been too needy, I thought. That’s why it happened. She was weird all along and the friend realized it and that’s why she got dumped.

What are you doing? I answered back. Why are you blaming the victim? You’re as bad as that mean girl who dumped her.

As Diana told me the rest of the story I realized why I was so quick to judge Leah. I had been in her position myself, at 12, and even as an adult I still wasn’t over it. In sixth grade, I got dumped by a group of girls at my elite Brooklyn private school. They hadn’t always been mean—they been my friends since early childhood—but the summer before sixth grade they turned into a clique. For the first two months of school I hovered on the periphery of it. I was on the advisory board but not the executive.

Then one day they cornered me in front of the synagogue where we all went to Hebrew school and the messenger, of course, not the ringleader, said, “This is what I’m supposed to say: If you’re so good at math and only five of us are going trick-or-treating together, can you figure out which one of us isn’t going?” I had to sit through another hour of Judaica studies before I could race home and sob into my pillow.

When my mother determined that I had been injured emotionally and not physically, she let me be alone for a little while to cry. When I emerged from my bedroom, woozy and tear-stained, she asked what happened. I told her. “Why do you want to be friends with such horrible people?” she asked. I couldn’t answer her. This wasn’t logical, it was about my soul.

She told me to go to school the next day, ignore the horrible girls, and make new friends. Eventually I did, though it took months and not a day. The following year, in part due to the stress of the breakup, I left the school.

Twenty-five years later, this rejection remains the defining event of my young adulthood. It gave me a lifelong fear of rejection and a fear of being different that has come coupled with the sometimes-liberating idea that being different is better. It shaped most of my romantic relationships in that I always liked the mean, nasty guys the most. I could even argue that it turned me into a writer, moving me from participant to observer. But none of that means I am over it.

And yet, as I sat there listening to Diana, wholly invested in her daughter’s dilemma, I also found myself feeling skeptical of her as a mother. She seemed more wrapped up in her daughter’s problems than it seemed right for a mother to be. Had it taken a year for Leah to get over it—or for her to?

A television show on ABC which premiered in November, I Hate My Teenage Daughter, takes this kind of maternal overinvestment as its premise. On the show, two fortysomething moms who were losers in high school (Annie and Nikki, played by Jaime Pressley and Katie Finneran) have raised popular, beautiful girls. Those girls have now turned into meanies. The inmates are running the asylum: The daughters have the mothers wrapped around their fingers and all the moms can do is mug and weep. It’s a “be careful what you wish for” story.

IHMTD takes as a given that the mothers have bought into the very shallow values that made their own lives so miserable—popularity and social status. Though the humor can be too campy and overly cruel to its middle-aged heroines, as several critics have noted, the show has a clear moral message behind the jokes. To be a mother of a daughter is to be in a unique kind of pain. It’s an opportunity to relive girlhood, but maybe that’s not such a good thing when girlhood can be a period of such deep agony and insecurity. To become a mother of a teenage girl is to go right back to hell through a different entrance.

My own daughter, A., is only 6, and so far she has been heaven, not hell. Her wonder years have mostly been wonderful. She hasn’t experienced bullying (yet), but there have been social predicaments, a problem I hadn’t expected to encounter until much later. There have been children’s birthday parties to which she was not invited, and friendship threesomes that became twosomes. I haven’t handled any of it well. I’ve emailed teachers, texted moms, privately cried. My husband, who takes care of her most of the time, has mostly remained above the fray. He wanted a daughter and was exuberant to get one, and has enjoyed experiencing parenthood without any of the issues that I bring to the table.

Not long after I started watching IHMTD I picked up A. from school. She had just started first grade and though she knew several of her new classmates I was worried about her tendency to be shy. Remembering a nursery teacher’s injunction not to ask your child “How was school today?” I opted for a more specific question, one designed to elicit an answer longer than one word.

“What did you do at recess today?” I asked. I was curious about recess and had even emailed one of the recess coordinators to volunteer to be in the yard.

“I sat by the climbing wall and watched people play,” A. said.

I gulped but tried to remain cool. “Why didn’t you play with anyone?”

“I used to be Lucy’s friend but now she’s Eve’s friend.” She was factual and not emotional.

“Oh,” I said. “Maybe you can all be friends.” She looked at me like I was crazy.

A week later I asked her the same question. I got the same answer. Two hundred and fifty children were running around the yard entertaining themselves, but mine was gluing herself to a wall. Was she a loner, a loser? Why wasn’t she socializing? Should I have had a second child?

The next day I got an email from the recess coordinator, Maria, about the volunteer schedule. In my response I described A. to her. I said she had been playing alone and asked if Maria could keep an eye on her.

It turned out that Maria knew exactly who A. was and had been prodding her to play with different groups. She said some kids took a little while to get comfortable. The year before, she said, there had been a first-grader who sat for the entire recess period with her lunchbox in her lap so she could be first in her class line at the end. But now she was a happy, sociable second-grader.

Instead of reassuring me, this email terrified me further. A girl who sat there the entire year not playing? What if that turned out to be my kid? It could get even worse.

After that, I stopped asking A. who she played with. I decided that it was in her own hands now (and Maria’s), and the more I bugged her, the more self-conscious she would feel.

One day, about a month later A. said, “Mommy, ask me who I played with at recess today.”

“Who did you play with at recess today?” I asked, in a silly, sing-songy voice meant to convey that I wasn’t invested in the answer.

“I kicked a ball with some boys and then I went on the jungle gym with Ruby and Hank.”

“That’s wonderful!” I shouted. “I mean, that sounds fun.”

She had figured it out. It just took time. And she had done it without my interfering. Whatever social challenges she was going to face in the next 20 years, I wasn’t going to make them better by mixing them up with my own.

Now we have a new problem. She has developed a crush on a boy who sits at her table in class. He wears Celtics T-shirts and roars like a lion. Recently when I asked her what she did at recess, A. said, “Ollie chased me around and then he locked me to the gate with invisible handcuffs so I couldn’t move. And even after he ran away I stayed there pretending I was trapped. And you know what, Mommy? I liked it.” We were going to have to talk.